-Guy Finley.
I had spent a lot of time working out during my vacation, part to stay sane and part out of habit. It always sucks to get to the gym and it always feels so great when you are done. This huge spiritual release. I feel centered after a great run or workout. I feel all pumped up and then at complete peace.I had done my fair share, but as the trip was winding down I realized I hadn't run on the beach yet. And, of course, it was raining and I just had to run on the beach. So I set my sights at a dark blue/grey house all the way down towards the end of of the row of houses. It was the last house my eyes were able to see. I figured that by the time I got there I would be so tired I would barely be able to make it back. I remembered running on sand the last time I was there. It wasn't the easiest thing to do. I mustered up strength and ran toward the house.
I looked at the ocean and I watched it chase me towards the street. Somehow I started approaching the house and I had this surge of energy, it was beyond any other runner's high I had felt so far. I kept running feeling the sand kick up behind me. And I was being carried, it felt effortless...and I moved stride by stride towards the house and the back towards home again. Arms pulling through the rain, I felt nothing, nothing but pure happiness as it carried me almost causing me to laugh out loud all the way back to the house. I knew I was doing great, I knew I was fast, and I came upon the beach house and slowed down. When I slowed down, I saw a pile of black rocks just like the ones I had been collecting the whole trip.
It became obvious to me what needed to happen, and I started to cry. I started to cry because I knew that I had changed. That I would not be the same after this trip. There were things I needed to let go of, things that had been bothering me, and I knew it was time. I had to let my brother go. I knelt down, I picked up a rock, I said a silent prayer and I threw the rock into the ocean as hard as I could.I thought about Luke, and all that had happened. I realized that I couldn't hurt anymore because I felt like I would never be understood. I had to let it go, and trust myself to let this be it. I picked up another rock, I said goodbye to him, I said goodbye to hurting over being misunderstood. I threw the rock...and that was it.
There were two more rocks, two more rocks I had to throw, two things that I have held onto, that I have hurt over that I needed to let go of. And two more times, I threw the rocks into the ocean watched them thud and sink while the rain came down.
It was my reason for going. It was my time to let things go. It was my way of allowing a build up of hurt to leave me.
That and I got to see my grandmother. Who after 94 years, reminds me that this week of reflection was just a wrinkle in time. And to be grateful that there is a wide ocean because there are going to be many more rocks to throw.
Peace and love.
Barbara
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